Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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