i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
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