why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
