we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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