I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
