i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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