I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize