There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
