I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
