omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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