So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
