I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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