I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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