the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
