Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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