Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So much rum. So many feels.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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