Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
