i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
