My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
