You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize