he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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