walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
