On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
