We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If I die, sorry about rent.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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