A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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