I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
