I puked a lego.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
