Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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