stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
