I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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