I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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