The best revenge is premature balding
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
