I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
