It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
