when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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