I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I need to stop coming to work sober
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
