Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
