THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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