So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How external is "for external use only"?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
