If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
