apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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