Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
