i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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