Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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