please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
