I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
