the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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