I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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