i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize