I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
