i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
