and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
